Run #24: No Music, Sore Legs

Have you seen me?  (Image age progressed to three years old.)

So I get all the way to the gym, get inside the gym, pull out my arm-band iPod holder and headphones...and the iPod is gone.  I go out to the car - no iPod.  Disaster!

Wait, wait, I can salvage this.  There's a TV.

Spend 5 minutes figuring out how to turn it on and make the satellite work.  Spend another 10 minutes flipping through the channels to find something tolerable.  I am not used to TV - I don't watch it.  Streaming Netflix is one thing (I get to watch that a couple times a month), but this whole satellite stuff is just weird.

Finally settle on something, only to find out there are these awful things called "commercials" that last for like four or five MINUTES, which is a huge chunk of running time, which means flipping channels some more.  Personally, I don't know how anybody can stand watching TV.

I ended up running a 2/3 of a 5k, in 20 minutes even, which is exactly on track for a 30 minute 5k.

All the way home, and even now, my legs hurt SO much.  Not liking it.  At all.

Now I have to try to find my iPod.  Good night.

(I hate running!)

Run#23: VICTORY!

 Who am I to argue with the Prime Minister?

I truly never thought I could do it.  Well, at one point, when I initially set the goal, I thought I could do it, or else I wouldn't have set the goal.  That would just be...weird.  Masochistic.  (Not that all of this has not been somewhat masochistic.)  Anyway, once I actually started to try to achieve the goal - THAT'S when I started to think I could never do it.

But...I DID!

I just ran 5k in under 30 minutes.  In fact, I did it in 29:20. (539 calories burned)

TWENTY-NINE TWENTY!

That's 41 seconds better than my best time.

Negative effects: head pounding, right knee kinda sore (though not as bad as it would have been if I hadn't started taking glucosamine chondroitin a couple of weeks ago), Angry Klingon sitting on left shoulder (he always attacks the left!), stupid "runner's high" happening.

Positive effects: major sense of accomplishment.

Even if (heaven forbid) I fail to meet my goal for some reason on Thanksgiving morning, I will at least know that I can do it, because I DID do it - one full month ahead of schedule, too.

How did I do it, you ask?

Well, once again, I found that a combination of good music and deep thought did the trick.  It appears that heavy burdens on your mind make for lighter burdens on your feet, oddly enough.  I was mostly occupied with how to make my Kickstarter project a success, thinking of ways to make it meet its goal.  And while I struggled with that mental challenge, I managed to meet my other challenging goal.

The set list:
1) Someday - Cary Brothers (my favorite song right now)
2) Djobi Djoba - Gipsy Kings
3) It's a Livin' Thing - ELO
4) Santa Maria (Del Buen Ayre) - Gotan Project (fun song, but a little "plodding" for running)
5) Dreams - Cranberries
6) Linger - Cranberries
7) Tunnel of Love - Dire Straits

So, don't you think that what I did tonight deserves some kind of celebration - a reward?  No, I'm not going to go eat a cupcake (as much as I wanted to before my run).  I'm just saying . . . if my great diligence and determination, and my winning spirit have inspired you at all . . . then consider helping me meet that other, super-important career goal by making a small donation to my Kickstarter project.

Thanks.

And . . . WOO HOO!!

Run #22: Not So Bad

A perfect storm for running? (No, that's not me - it's some really cool lightning.)

I have to admit - tonight was not so bad.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I liked it - oh, no - and I'm not even saying that I didn't hate it.  I just didn't hate it SO MUCH.

Here's why: I really worked on NOT thinking about it.  I spent my time enjoying the music and keeping my mind occupied with my worries.  Not the usual worries about having a heart attack and dying alone in the gym - other worries, like about money.  And about how best to promote and spread the word about my Kickstarter project.

Tonight I also tried starting the run with no specific goal - just to run as best as I can for a while.  Part way through, I decided to go for a "2/3 of a 5k" run.  And this time, I corrected my previous mistakes: I was using 2.03 miles as a third of 3.1, when we all know that it is of course 2.07 (rounded up).  So, I ran 2.07 miles, and I did it in 19:41.  I think that's one of my best times - hard to say, since the distance was adjusted - but I maintained a really good pace, and that time is on track for a 29:00 5k.

Tonight's music selection was EXCELLENT for running, too!

1) Knowing Me, Knowing You - ABBA
2) The Heart of Rock n Roll - Huey Lewis & the News (this was GREAT to run to!)
3) What You Need - INXS (another GREAT running song!)
4) Twisting By the Pool - Dire Straits
5) We Can Last Forever - Chicago

I didn't get to the other three songs I had on tap - will have to try those another time.

So, between my distracted mind, my reasonable "goal" and the terrific music, it was a "perfect storm" that helped mitigate the usual torture.

I still hate running, but I will do it again on Wednesday, and not dread it quite so much.

We interrupt this running blog for an important message...

Hello my fellow running haters!

You may or may not know (depending on whether you've ever clicked on that link over on the right side of this blog that leads to my home page) that in addition to my illustrious career as a running hater, I am also a fiction writer.

Well, I just launched my own Kickstarter project to help pave the way for my paperback launch of Canceled (that's the title of the novel).  You can go see my project video here.  Go on - do it - it's awesome (and WAY easier than running)!

Anyway, please check out the project, and if you want, help out.  The rewards are spectacular, and it will be mucho appreciated by me!

Thanks so much.

(We now return you to your regularly-scheduled chronicle of pain and misery.)

Run #21: Didn't Want To; Did It Anyway

 This had better be worth it.  (No, that's not me - my arms aren't that skinny.)

Well, yeah, that's the story every time - forcing myself to do what I hate.  (It's a great lesson in mind over matter - self-discipline - that's for sure.)  But tonight in particular, I did not want to because:

A) I was so, so tired - I just wanted to go to sleep!
B) I was so full, from a delicious dinner at Star of India followed by a delicious dessert at Bruges Waffle & Frites.  The torpedo at Bruges is unbelievably good.

So, I decided I would either:

1) Run for 20 minutes and see how far I got, or
2) Try to get my best time at the 2/3 of a 5k (2.03 miles) distance.

Since these goals are pretty similar, I didn't decide until the last few minutes of the run which I would do.

I ended up doing the 2.03 miles, in 19:35.  This is better than on track for a 30 minute 5k, but I was so DONE at the end, the 30 minute 5k seemed like a pipe dream.  I still don't know how I managed to do a 30:01 5k a couple of weeks ago.

I'm sure you folks laugh at the idea of me struggling to run two miles, but I'll have you know it took every ounce of will power to keep going and make it to 2.03 miles.

Tonight's music:
1) Dreams - The Cranberries (good run song)
2) Linger - The Cranberries (good run song)
3) In the Clouds - The Cult (excellent run song - it came on at just he right time to give me a big boost I needed and keep a good pace for a few minutes)
4) Tunnel of Love - Dire Straits (an old favorite)

I didn't get to the rest of the set list, which included:
5) It's a Livin' Thing - ELO (listened to some of it on the way home; I think it will be a good run song, so will move it to Monday's set)
6) Djobi Djoba - Gipsy Kings (I'm sure this will be great; moving to Monday)
7) Santa Maria (Del Buen Ayre) - Gotan Project (I'm sure this will be fun as well - electro-tango tends to get me moving)

I had the thought tonight: what will I do on Thanksgiving morning?  Listen to the best of the best run songs I've put together over the weeks, or talk with my friend Ryan who is going to run with me?  Talking seems like the best option, but I've gotten so used to the music.... hmm.  I think I'll just do music for training, and talk on run day.  After all, Ryan will be kindly throttling back to keep pace with my slow butt.

I can't wait!  (Because then I will be done with running!)

Because, as you know, I HATE running.

Run #20: I Didn't Think I Had it in Me

I imagine HE hated running, too.  (I guess that's why his song didn't quite work for me tonight.)

No, really - I didn't.  Over and over again, I planned to give up.  Like, every two minutes.  At least.

My goal tonight was to run a full 5k again (since I haven't made it that far for a while), regardless of how long it took me.  By hook or by crook, I was going to do it!

And I did.

It took me 31:53.

I did pretty well the first 2.0 miles . . . managed to do that in 20:00, which is not on track for a 30 minute 5k, but still respectable.  But then it all fell apart, and I had to alter my speed all over the place, including some brief speed walks.  I just could NOT catch my breath after 2.0 miles.

Plus, the Angry Klingon returned and started to surgically remove my left shoulder with a dull bat'leth (and his eyes closed).  And he just wouldn't let up.

To top it off, I took so long that my set list ran out and I had to fumble with the iPod with only two minutes to go.

It was miserable, but I made it, and that actually felt good (on the inside, NOT the outside!).

Tonight's music:

1) The Winner takes it All - ABBA (I don't hope to win, just to finish)
2) Mustang Sally - The Commitments (can you believe Andrew Strong was only 17 when he sang that?)
3) Love's Theme - Barry White (I'm not sure what I was thinking with this one - I do not recommend it for running.  Unless you look like this.)
4) Darlington County - Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band (probably the most fun track on the Born in the U.S.A. album, despite the part about soliciting a prostitute.  P.S. R.I.P. Big Man).
5) We Can Last Forever - Chicago (surprisingly decent run song)
6) Precious Declaration - Collective Soul (great run song)
7) Needs - Collective Soul (great song, only "okay" for running)

This was really hard tonight, because my body still hurts from last night's REALLY HARD workout.  I am on a new program, and it is a killer.

And, on top of that . . . I really hate running.

I will run again on Friday.

Run #19: Yes, only #19!

If running is so good for you, why do I feel like this? (No, that's not actually me.)

That's right folks, for those of you who can count - and tell time - you'll notice that I failed to do my last two scheduled runs (last Wednesday and Friday).  I'd like to blame it on the fact that I was distracted by the triumphant return of my wife and son from Colorado - I missed them for 12 days - but that would only be partly true.

The whole truth is: I love my family, and I hate running.  So, I skipped.  In fact, I was a total slacker last week, and didn't work out, either.

Then on Saturday, the super pro-trainer extraordinaire and owner of Lifelong Fitness, Griff Neilson, graciously put me on a new custom-designed workout.  I only did part of it on Saturday, and I'm still sore!

So, tonight, I started out very tired (ready to go to sleep), so just did the best I could muster.  I managed to do 2.0 miles in 19:15, which is well on track for a 30 minute 5k, but not my best time yet for 2.0 miles (that was 18:34).

Tonight's songs:
1) Sidewalking - The Jesus and Mary Chain
2) Sowing Seeds - The Jesus and Mary Chain
3) The Hardest Walk - The Jesus and Mary Chain
4) Born in Time - Eric Clapton (from Pilgrim)
5) River of Tears (most of it) - Eric Clapton (from Pilgrim)

My friend the Angry Klingon was back again tonight...and I had a hard time catching my breath, so I rode the speed all over the place.

I was so glad to be done.  Got that stupid "runner's high" again - everything was all bright and sharp on my way home, head swimming and pounding - miserable.  Who can like that?

Not me.  I truly HATE running.

(I will run again on Wednesday.)

Run #18: The Best I Can

Me tired.

Tonight, I went in with no expectations; no particular goal.  Arriving pretty late, I just got on that treadmill and gave it what I had.

I ended up running to the 2/3 point of a 5k (2.03 miles).  I did it as fast as I could stand, finishing in 19:17, which puts me on pace to have finished the 5k in under 30 minutes (as if I could keep that up for another 10 minutes!).

It took me longer than usual to catch my breath when it was all done; probably something to do with having run extra fast at the end.

I only got through four songs:

1) A Murder of One - Counting Crows
2) Room at the Top - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
3) Wide Awake - The Dirty Guv'nahs
4) Elevation - U2

Now, off to bed!

Run #17: Something a Little Different

 Ah, I love Sunday.  That's tomorrow.  Yay.

So, last night I was up too late to go running; figured what's the diff if I just do it in the morning?  I was going to be at the gym anyway...

So, this morning I went to the gym and spent an hour and forty minutes cleaning it (wiping down surfaces, mopping, vacuuming, taking out trash, etc.) - so I was already tired when I got on the treadmill.

So . . . I just decided to do my best.  I played around a bunch with the speed - eventually quit at exactly half of a 5k (1.55 miles) and 15:09 on the clock.  If you double it, that's just about right for my 5k goal.  Kind of like running a half-marathon, only . . . not at all like running a half marathon.  Just half of what I usually do, and it still made me sweat hard.

Then, as it was a workout day, I went over to the other side of the room to lift some weights.  Well, I was exhausted by this time, so after my first set, I called it quits.

Then I went home and worked all day on house chores and projects.  On my feet all day!

So, I feel I got plenty of exercise today, despite the short run.

My weight is down to 216 lbs today - that's good!  Only 26 more to get to my original goal, or 46 more to get to a possible revised goal I am considering.

Tomorrow is my day of rest.  Monday, I will run once again, although I hate it.

Run #16: SOOOOOOO Close!

"Missed it by THAT much..."

3.1 miles in . . . 30:01.

I could almost TASTE victory!  It just doesn't get any closer than that.  (Thankfully, I was only racing against myself, so I still came in first place.)


The goal tonight was to run for 30 minutes, doing the best I could to achieve distance.
The strategy was to run very fast for 9 minutes, walk very briskly for 1 minute.  Rinse and repeat three times.  (We'll call this the Lance method!)  ;)  I expected to run about 2.4 miles or so.

So, I ran the first 9 minutes at 6.5 mph, then dropped to 4.5 for a minute, then back up to 6.5, but gave out after 6 more minutes of that, and returned to the brisk walk, then after that just rode the speedometer all over the place, doing the best I could.  As I neared 30 minutes, it was starting to look like I was going to make it to 3.1 miles and actually make my ultimate goal with no problem . . . but then the math kept changing, and it looked like I wouldn't make it . . . so I sped up, and sped up, and sped up AND SPED UP until at the very end I was going 7.7 ridiculous miles per hour.

And I missed it by ONE SECOND.  Arrrggghhh!!

During the minutes I was running at 6.5 mph, I felt like the Six Million Dollar Man.  Not the part where he can run really fast - the part right after his space capsule hits the ground.  (I used to love the intro to that show . . . "she's breaking up, she's breaking up!" - great stuff.  Yes, I watched it when it originally aired.  I am SO old.)

At the crazy sprint at the end, I felt like I would die.  Now my right leg hurts again.

Bottom line: the modified Lance method seems to sort of work.  Basically, just push it as much as you can, try to ignore the clock, slow down when you need to, and then push it hard some more.  I thought consistency was the key; apparently the chaos of "interval training" is enough to fool my brain into doing better than expected.

But running is SO stupid.  On Friday, I am just going to take it easy and not try to set any records.  I earned it tonight ("one second short" or not).

The Music:

1) Wide Awake - The Dirty Guv'nahs (great song I just discovered)
2) Miracle - Jon Bon Jovi (from Young Guns)
3) Canto Alla Vita - Josh Groban (feat. the Corrs)
4) This is for Life - Luka Bloom (this was a poor choice, at least for this part of the run - I had expected the solemn catharsis of Bloom's condemned man to be inspirational, instead, it did not help at all)
5) Colonnade Gardens - Kerry Livgren (there's something about the guitar part of this song - so powerful)
6) I'm Gonna Miss You - Milli Vanilli (old school, man)
7) The Ghost in You - The Psychedelic Furs (80's!)

How do I feel?
Poopy as ever, sore leg, head pounding, exhausted. Glad it's done.  Pretty amazed at my stats.

I still hate running, I will still quit after Turkey Day, and I will still run again on Friday.  Very reluctantly.

Run #15: It's Not You, It's Me

A little chocolate sounds good...and they do say it fills an emotional void.

I'm trying to find the right way to approach this - the best way to tell "running" that this really isn't working out - that we're going to have to break it off.  It's no good for me; we're just not *right* for each other.  Incompatible.  Irreconcilable differences.  A bad match.

No matter what her intentions, all she seems to do is hurt me.  I keep giving her *one* more chance, and things always look great for those first five, maybe even six minutes.  But then she returns to her old ways - stabbing me in the back, crushing me, breaking my heart.  Every.  Stinking.  Time.

If only the whole time could be like that "honeymoon" of a first half mile, before the pain sets in.  But no.  By half way through, I am ready to hit STOP.  But I don't.  Then I just spend the rest of the time fighting my own psyche.  That can't be healthy.

Tonight, I managed to get to the gym by about 8:45pm.  Didn't make any difference (except I get to go to bed at a decent hour tonight, for a change).

The running music:
1) What's This Life For - Creed
2) My Sacrifice - Creed
3) Heavy - Collective Soul
4) No More, No Less - Collective Soul
5) Needs - Collective Soul
6) Yellow - Cold Play (well, I didn't QUITE make it to this song)

My goal was to run at 6.2 mph for 22 minutes.  I made it to 21:31 and 2.20 miles.  Tried running at 6.2 mph the whole way, but at 17:30 I just couldn't take it any more.  I figured, "what am I trying to prove, and to whom?"  I slowed down for a bit, then sped back up, and was all over the place for the rest of the time, trying to make it time out correctly so I'd at least tie the last run's stats.  Well, I was close: missed it by ten seconds.  Good enough.

Now I'm trying to figure out what to do on Wednesday, because tonight sucked.  At one mile, my lower back was already hurting.  Maybe I'll try running slower; but that will also mean running *longer* - which does not sound good.

But the speed tonight became onerous!  I looked across the room at the mirror, and I did not *look* like I was running all that fast, but I *felt* like I was Lucy trying to keep up with the chocolates on the conveyor belt.  Only it wasn't for just a few moments of a silly scene, it was for 22 minutes of agony, which is practically the length of the whole I Love Lucy episode (commercials removed).  Nuts, I say.

I only have 7.5 weeks until the Thanksgiving 5k.  I really, REALLY do not think I am ever going to reach my goal of 3.1 miles in 30:00 minutes.  And I do *not* look forward to trying.  Thankfully, I only run every two days, which is *just* enough time to partially forget the misery, and actually step up on that treadmill with the futile hope that it will be somehow better next time.

Foolish, I know.  Come Turkey Day, I am leaving running in the dust and finding me a new love.  Cuz this ain't love - it's insanity.

Run #14: Feeling My Age

Like a good cheese, I hope to get better with age.  Also, I kinda stink right now.

Started my run tonight at 12:08 am.  (I really meant to get out earlier, but had actual day-job work I had to do this evening.  Also got distracted by Star Trek: The Next Generation episode "The Inner Light."  Best. Episode. Ever.)

The plan was to run at 6.2 mph for 21 minutes (one minute longer than last time).  CRAZY MAN that I am, I went ahead and ran for 21:21 (because I liked the song that was playing).  This took me 2.20 miles.  I still can't imagine keeping up that pace for another 0.9 miles.  It's so hard!

I know, I know, all you runners out there are thinking: "Let me call him a WAM-bulance!"  But seriously, running hurts!

I don't like it.  No wait, I mean, I hate it.  (That was a weird slip.)

Tonight's song list:

1) Queen: I Want to Break Free
2) Queen: Radio Gaga
3) Queensryche: Hand On Heart
4) The Psychedelic Furs: The Ghost in You
5) The Psychedelic Furs: Heartbreak Beat (this is the song that was playing as I hit the 21 minute mark)

I have to admit I felt pretty good on the way home.  Of course, then I had to actually climb out of the car, and that's when I felt like a really old man.  I guess I am pretty old.  After all, I remember listening to those songs back when they came out.  When I was young.  And fit.

I will run again on Monday night (hopefully a lot earlier in the evening).

But I still hate running.