29:55

Crossing the finish line (YES, that's me - on the right)

That's my official 5k run rime!

I DID IT!

It was crazy-hard, because of all the HILLS!  Hills, hills, hills!  The HILLS are alive . . . with the sound of huffing and puffing!  Oh, man.  I was NOT prepared for the hills.  At all.

My QUADS are killing me... and my nose won't stop running and sneezing!

A big thanks to Ryan, who kept me on pace and encouraged me all the way.  I do not think I could have done it without his support.

The winner of the "Guess My Time" Sweepstakes is: me.  Since I was shooting for 30 minutes and was only 5 seconds off, and nobody else chose to hazard a guess.  Guess I get to read one of my own e-books.  (That's okay, I like 'em.)

After the race, some people were talking about "next time."  Nope.  I am not convinced.  Cycling for me, from here on out.  (There may be future posts here about that...stay tuned...)

I am just REALLY glad I met my goal (which was, by the way, over six and a half minutes better than last year).

And . . . really, really glad it's over!

Because even now, after 12 weeks of training....I still really hate running.

I'm ready for turkey now!  HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

 One very happy FORMER runner...

Tomorrow is the BIG DAY

What will be my time?  Enter to win!

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I will do RUN #32 - and FINAL.  I've been training now for over 12 weeks (it actually went by amazingly fast, despite the continual torture).

My shape has changed over this time - slimmer waist, fewer chins, firmer all over - but no real weight loss to speak of.  My Santa belly has shrunk some.  Muscles are stronger, endurance is way up.

I am as ready as I'll ever be for this.

My goal, as you may recall, is under 30 minutes.

In the comments section of this blog post, post your guess for my final time (in minutes and seconds).  The person to guess the closest (you can go over - no "Price is Right" rules) will receive a free e-book from my collection.  There are currently nine books to choose from (there will be a tenth in a couple of weeks).  Feel free to peruse them now...

So, good luck to me, and good luck to you!

FULL POST-RACE REPORT WILL BE PROVIDED TOMORROW...

Run #31: The Fast Mile

 I . . . am . . . SPEED.  (No, that's not me - I'm not quite so tan.)

Got to the gym very late tonight.  Started out tired.  (Also, ate too much dinner & dessert.)

Also, had plans to do my Day Two workout and then clean the gym (all the other non-vacuuming stuff, which I did do afterward - but I did not work out - was too tired and sore). 

So, I wasn't sure what would happen. 

I got on the treadmill and ran as fast as I could.  After a half mile I wanted to stop.  Really.  But I ended up riding the speed all over the place, and finally completed the mile in 8:10.  That is simply the fastest I could do it.  I really wanted to do it in 8:00, but that will just never happen.  It was really hard!

Oh well, at least it's better than the 15:30 mile I ran about three years ago with the Scouts.  That was the best I could do back then (I was much fatter).  So, yeah, I don't feel so bad.

But I do wonder how things are going to go on Thursday morning.  I'm kind of nervous.

Wish me luck!

Run #30: Half-hearted

Almost there...

Saturday morning I ran again.  I did a half-5k, because my heart wasn't in it, and because I wanted to reserve some energy for vacuuming the gym afterwards.

My time was 14:29, which, doubled to a 5k, is under 29 minutes (but we all know it doesn't work that way).  If it did work that way, I could just multiply it out and say that I could run a marathon in four hours.  Or run across the country in under three weeks.  Ridiculous.  I will never run further than 5k, and I'll be lucky to do it in under 30 minutes on Thanksgiving.

So, tonight (Monday) I will run a mile as fast as I can, and do my Day Two workout.  Upon the wise advice of my friend (and run-day companion) Ryan, I will take it easy and not work out or run on Tuesday or Wednesday.  I will eat a pasta meal Wednesday night, get a full eight hours of sleep that night, arrive early and stretch, and then go for it!

I am just DAYS away from never running again!  Woo hoo!

Tonight I will return here to report on how fast I ran the mile...then you'll hear back from me on Thanksgiving, with race results and reveling.

Run #29: Another 5k Under My Belt

Did it again.  (No, that's not me.  I'm not THAT round anymore.)

I joyfully realized today that I really only had four runs left: tonight, Friday, Tuesday and Thanksgiving.  Thus, I decided to forgo the 8-minute mile and just try to run 5k for the rest of my runs.

Well, that was dumb.  After doing yet another 5k tonight, I wonder why I would want to do that to myself.

I did it in 29:21, which is essentially a tie for my record (29:20), if you allow a margin of error of a half second for the signal to get from the STOP button to the treadmill's CPU.

So, yeah, that was pretty awesome of me.

But it was very, very hard.  I wanted to just stop a whole bunch of times - until I got a mile from the finish and decided I just HAD to keep going.  I told  myself the first mile was easy, so why should the last mile be any different?

I am SUCH a liar.

But that's okay, I'm not that gullible and didn't fall for that crap.  The last mile sucked.

Actually the whole run sucked after the first half mile or so.  At one mile, the Klingon started having a party on my shoulder.  (By the way, I love the internet.  You want a picture of a Klingon in a party hat, type in a few words into the search engine, and bingo.)  Anyway, as the minutes passed, he started to invite his friends to join in, and they started attacking my body, piece by piece.  (Yes, yes, I know, those guys were not really his friends; they died before that first Klingon was even born).

The point is, I found that breathing - being able to breathe and catch my breath and continue on - was not a problem.  The problem was my hurting and tired body.  Which tells me . . . that I really hate running.

I am so excited to almost be done.  But I do not think I will run another 5k on Friday.  Maybe, but I doubt it.  Same goes for Tuesday.  We'll see.

Tonight's music:
1) Blues From a Gun - Jesus & Mary Chain (good start up song)
2) Head On - Jesus & Mary Chain (good second song)
3) Step On - Happy Mondays (always fun)
4) No Surrender - Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band (ideal for 6.4 mph pace, and the message came at the right time, as I wanted to quit right about then, but how can you when The Boss is saying "No retreat, baby, no surrender"?)
5) Badlands - Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band (eh, it was okay, I guess.  Hard to say because I was just miserable at this point)
6) Stand Here With Me - Creed (This song came on way too loud and was hurting my ears, but it's hard to fiddle with the iPod controls in my arm band when I am running.  Good song, though.)
7) Heaven - Live (I finished a minute before this song was over)

On the way home, I had that awful "runner's high" again.  I'm serious - I do NOT like that feeling of my brain rushing and my senses heightened and my nerves all jangly.  I've always preferred (medically speaking) narcotics to stimulants.  I hate caffeine (I make allowances for the trace amounts in chocolate).  I would rather be sleepy and relaxed than wakey and jittery.

Just one more reason why I hate running.

Run #28: Even Shorter

...and it's only Monday.  (No, that's not me.)

Well, I got out too late, was too tired, and ate too much dinner...

So, although I had intended to try to run an 8 minute mile, I only ran a 4 minute half-mile.  Which makes me half as good as that guy who ran the 4-minute mile.  I guess.

Okay, I'll try again Wednesday.  :(

I can't believe there's only 10 days until the 5k.  That's only like 5 more practice runs.  I can't believe I only have to run 6 more times in my life!  YAY!

Okay.  So, here's the plan: Wednesday I will really try to run a mile as fast as I can.  It may not be 8 minutes, but whatever.  Then I will slow it down for the next two runs and do a full 5k for each, no matter how long it takes.  Then, on the last practice run (the day before the 5k), I will try for one more 30 minute 5k.  Then I do the real run.

Here's hoping I can pull this off.

Run #27: Short & Sweet

Friday, I'm going for plaid!

Tonight I got out late, and had to vacuum the gym before getting on the treadmill, so I didn't have high hopes.

At about a half mile or so, I decided to just go for speed and see how fast I could complete a mile - so I hiked up the speed and went as fast as I could (in bursts).

Did the 1.0 miles in 9:02.

It really made my legs HURT, but... the short duration is very appealing - so I'm thinking I will spend the next two or three runs trying to do an 8 minute mile.  I figure it's a very tough goal (I'll have to maintain 7.5 mph the whole way).  And hey - if I'm half as good as that guy who ran a four minute mile, that's all right by me!

PLUS, then, when I return to (what I consider) distance running (that is, the 5k), my pace of 6.2 or 6.4 mph will seem SLOW after all that sprinting... it'll make it seem like cake, even if I do have to run for 29 minutes or so.

So, that's the plan.

I may hate running, but at least I've figured out several ways to trick myself into hating it slightly less (sometimes).

Run #26: Did it Again

5k is a long way! (No, that's not me, but it is certainly how I feel.)

The title of this blog has never been more appropriate. 

I really thought I was going to collapse tonight.  But, despite having an almost overwhelming desire to stop at least 32 times (and that was only after the 40% point) - I went ahead and did a whole 5k again - and I did it in 29:24 (four seconds short of my record, but 36 seconds better than my goal).

Oh, and I finally figured out what the "runner's high" is - it's what I *was* back on Thanksgiving Day last year when I said "I'm going to do this again next year!" and "I'll do it in under 30 minutes!"

I had a tough week last week (in terms of not doing a good job of getting to the gym).  So, tonight was doubly hard.  I am exhausted.

Tonight I picked a selection of songs that had been good for running previously (I didn't want to do any experimenting and end up with a situation like this again). 

Thanksgiving cannot come soon enough!!

hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate it

Run #25: The Slacker Run

No, that's not me.  Well, yes, it WAS me tonight.  But that's not actually me.

Fine, I admit it - I did a totally lame run tonight.  Yes, yes, I maintained a good pace (6.4 the whole way), but I only ran HALF of a 5k (1.55 miles).  I'm tired, it's late, I gotta get up early, I ate too much, blah blah blah...

So, yeah.  Pretty lame, huh?

My time was 14:32, which, if doubled to 5k would be 29:04, which would be awesome - but I seriously doubt I could do that, even on a good day.  Ah well, I can't be spectacular all the time, I guess.

Tonight's music:
1) Pure - The Lightning Seeds
2) Darklands - The Jesus & Mary Chain
3) Coast to Coast - The Jesus & Mary Chain (perfect song for a 6.4 running pace)
3) Blues From a Gun - The Jesus & Mary Chain (didn't even finish this song)

As I ran tonight, and looked across the room to my bobbing reflection in the floor-to-ceiling gym mirrors, I listened to these tunes from my youth and pondered on how weird the whole thing is.

I mean, 20 years ago, when I first listened to that music, I was young and fit and invincible.  I never would have DREAMED that one day I would be actually running on a treadmill.  Treadmills, I believed, were just for this guy's rehab.  It would have been ludicrous - the concept that I would one day drive through a heavy snowfall (as I did tonight) just to go to an empty gym and do something I loathe...and then go home, get on a computer and write about it, then publish that writing in a great invisible electronic medium that allows anyone and everyone in the world to read it.  And the idea that I would actually NEED to get on that treadmill.  That I would ever be so OLD.

Well, I am this old - very, very old.  And so I did it.  True, I didn't do a great job tonight, but I did break a good sweat, get well-winded, get a little sore, and hopefully did my heart some good.

It's so weird being old.

And I hate running.

Run #24: No Music, Sore Legs

Have you seen me?  (Image age progressed to three years old.)

So I get all the way to the gym, get inside the gym, pull out my arm-band iPod holder and headphones...and the iPod is gone.  I go out to the car - no iPod.  Disaster!

Wait, wait, I can salvage this.  There's a TV.

Spend 5 minutes figuring out how to turn it on and make the satellite work.  Spend another 10 minutes flipping through the channels to find something tolerable.  I am not used to TV - I don't watch it.  Streaming Netflix is one thing (I get to watch that a couple times a month), but this whole satellite stuff is just weird.

Finally settle on something, only to find out there are these awful things called "commercials" that last for like four or five MINUTES, which is a huge chunk of running time, which means flipping channels some more.  Personally, I don't know how anybody can stand watching TV.

I ended up running a 2/3 of a 5k, in 20 minutes even, which is exactly on track for a 30 minute 5k.

All the way home, and even now, my legs hurt SO much.  Not liking it.  At all.

Now I have to try to find my iPod.  Good night.

(I hate running!)

Run#23: VICTORY!

 Who am I to argue with the Prime Minister?

I truly never thought I could do it.  Well, at one point, when I initially set the goal, I thought I could do it, or else I wouldn't have set the goal.  That would just be...weird.  Masochistic.  (Not that all of this has not been somewhat masochistic.)  Anyway, once I actually started to try to achieve the goal - THAT'S when I started to think I could never do it.

But...I DID!

I just ran 5k in under 30 minutes.  In fact, I did it in 29:20. (539 calories burned)

TWENTY-NINE TWENTY!

That's 41 seconds better than my best time.

Negative effects: head pounding, right knee kinda sore (though not as bad as it would have been if I hadn't started taking glucosamine chondroitin a couple of weeks ago), Angry Klingon sitting on left shoulder (he always attacks the left!), stupid "runner's high" happening.

Positive effects: major sense of accomplishment.

Even if (heaven forbid) I fail to meet my goal for some reason on Thanksgiving morning, I will at least know that I can do it, because I DID do it - one full month ahead of schedule, too.

How did I do it, you ask?

Well, once again, I found that a combination of good music and deep thought did the trick.  It appears that heavy burdens on your mind make for lighter burdens on your feet, oddly enough.  I was mostly occupied with how to make my Kickstarter project a success, thinking of ways to make it meet its goal.  And while I struggled with that mental challenge, I managed to meet my other challenging goal.

The set list:
1) Someday - Cary Brothers (my favorite song right now)
2) Djobi Djoba - Gipsy Kings
3) It's a Livin' Thing - ELO
4) Santa Maria (Del Buen Ayre) - Gotan Project (fun song, but a little "plodding" for running)
5) Dreams - Cranberries
6) Linger - Cranberries
7) Tunnel of Love - Dire Straits

So, don't you think that what I did tonight deserves some kind of celebration - a reward?  No, I'm not going to go eat a cupcake (as much as I wanted to before my run).  I'm just saying . . . if my great diligence and determination, and my winning spirit have inspired you at all . . . then consider helping me meet that other, super-important career goal by making a small donation to my Kickstarter project.

Thanks.

And . . . WOO HOO!!

Run #22: Not So Bad

A perfect storm for running? (No, that's not me - it's some really cool lightning.)

I have to admit - tonight was not so bad.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I liked it - oh, no - and I'm not even saying that I didn't hate it.  I just didn't hate it SO MUCH.

Here's why: I really worked on NOT thinking about it.  I spent my time enjoying the music and keeping my mind occupied with my worries.  Not the usual worries about having a heart attack and dying alone in the gym - other worries, like about money.  And about how best to promote and spread the word about my Kickstarter project.

Tonight I also tried starting the run with no specific goal - just to run as best as I can for a while.  Part way through, I decided to go for a "2/3 of a 5k" run.  And this time, I corrected my previous mistakes: I was using 2.03 miles as a third of 3.1, when we all know that it is of course 2.07 (rounded up).  So, I ran 2.07 miles, and I did it in 19:41.  I think that's one of my best times - hard to say, since the distance was adjusted - but I maintained a really good pace, and that time is on track for a 29:00 5k.

Tonight's music selection was EXCELLENT for running, too!

1) Knowing Me, Knowing You - ABBA
2) The Heart of Rock n Roll - Huey Lewis & the News (this was GREAT to run to!)
3) What You Need - INXS (another GREAT running song!)
4) Twisting By the Pool - Dire Straits
5) We Can Last Forever - Chicago

I didn't get to the other three songs I had on tap - will have to try those another time.

So, between my distracted mind, my reasonable "goal" and the terrific music, it was a "perfect storm" that helped mitigate the usual torture.

I still hate running, but I will do it again on Wednesday, and not dread it quite so much.

We interrupt this running blog for an important message...

Hello my fellow running haters!

You may or may not know (depending on whether you've ever clicked on that link over on the right side of this blog that leads to my home page) that in addition to my illustrious career as a running hater, I am also a fiction writer.

Well, I just launched my own Kickstarter project to help pave the way for my paperback launch of Canceled (that's the title of the novel).  You can go see my project video here.  Go on - do it - it's awesome (and WAY easier than running)!

Anyway, please check out the project, and if you want, help out.  The rewards are spectacular, and it will be mucho appreciated by me!

Thanks so much.

(We now return you to your regularly-scheduled chronicle of pain and misery.)

Run #21: Didn't Want To; Did It Anyway

 This had better be worth it.  (No, that's not me - my arms aren't that skinny.)

Well, yeah, that's the story every time - forcing myself to do what I hate.  (It's a great lesson in mind over matter - self-discipline - that's for sure.)  But tonight in particular, I did not want to because:

A) I was so, so tired - I just wanted to go to sleep!
B) I was so full, from a delicious dinner at Star of India followed by a delicious dessert at Bruges Waffle & Frites.  The torpedo at Bruges is unbelievably good.

So, I decided I would either:

1) Run for 20 minutes and see how far I got, or
2) Try to get my best time at the 2/3 of a 5k (2.03 miles) distance.

Since these goals are pretty similar, I didn't decide until the last few minutes of the run which I would do.

I ended up doing the 2.03 miles, in 19:35.  This is better than on track for a 30 minute 5k, but I was so DONE at the end, the 30 minute 5k seemed like a pipe dream.  I still don't know how I managed to do a 30:01 5k a couple of weeks ago.

I'm sure you folks laugh at the idea of me struggling to run two miles, but I'll have you know it took every ounce of will power to keep going and make it to 2.03 miles.

Tonight's music:
1) Dreams - The Cranberries (good run song)
2) Linger - The Cranberries (good run song)
3) In the Clouds - The Cult (excellent run song - it came on at just he right time to give me a big boost I needed and keep a good pace for a few minutes)
4) Tunnel of Love - Dire Straits (an old favorite)

I didn't get to the rest of the set list, which included:
5) It's a Livin' Thing - ELO (listened to some of it on the way home; I think it will be a good run song, so will move it to Monday's set)
6) Djobi Djoba - Gipsy Kings (I'm sure this will be great; moving to Monday)
7) Santa Maria (Del Buen Ayre) - Gotan Project (I'm sure this will be fun as well - electro-tango tends to get me moving)

I had the thought tonight: what will I do on Thanksgiving morning?  Listen to the best of the best run songs I've put together over the weeks, or talk with my friend Ryan who is going to run with me?  Talking seems like the best option, but I've gotten so used to the music.... hmm.  I think I'll just do music for training, and talk on run day.  After all, Ryan will be kindly throttling back to keep pace with my slow butt.

I can't wait!  (Because then I will be done with running!)

Because, as you know, I HATE running.

Run #20: I Didn't Think I Had it in Me

I imagine HE hated running, too.  (I guess that's why his song didn't quite work for me tonight.)

No, really - I didn't.  Over and over again, I planned to give up.  Like, every two minutes.  At least.

My goal tonight was to run a full 5k again (since I haven't made it that far for a while), regardless of how long it took me.  By hook or by crook, I was going to do it!

And I did.

It took me 31:53.

I did pretty well the first 2.0 miles . . . managed to do that in 20:00, which is not on track for a 30 minute 5k, but still respectable.  But then it all fell apart, and I had to alter my speed all over the place, including some brief speed walks.  I just could NOT catch my breath after 2.0 miles.

Plus, the Angry Klingon returned and started to surgically remove my left shoulder with a dull bat'leth (and his eyes closed).  And he just wouldn't let up.

To top it off, I took so long that my set list ran out and I had to fumble with the iPod with only two minutes to go.

It was miserable, but I made it, and that actually felt good (on the inside, NOT the outside!).

Tonight's music:

1) The Winner takes it All - ABBA (I don't hope to win, just to finish)
2) Mustang Sally - The Commitments (can you believe Andrew Strong was only 17 when he sang that?)
3) Love's Theme - Barry White (I'm not sure what I was thinking with this one - I do not recommend it for running.  Unless you look like this.)
4) Darlington County - Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band (probably the most fun track on the Born in the U.S.A. album, despite the part about soliciting a prostitute.  P.S. R.I.P. Big Man).
5) We Can Last Forever - Chicago (surprisingly decent run song)
6) Precious Declaration - Collective Soul (great run song)
7) Needs - Collective Soul (great song, only "okay" for running)

This was really hard tonight, because my body still hurts from last night's REALLY HARD workout.  I am on a new program, and it is a killer.

And, on top of that . . . I really hate running.

I will run again on Friday.

Run #19: Yes, only #19!

If running is so good for you, why do I feel like this? (No, that's not actually me.)

That's right folks, for those of you who can count - and tell time - you'll notice that I failed to do my last two scheduled runs (last Wednesday and Friday).  I'd like to blame it on the fact that I was distracted by the triumphant return of my wife and son from Colorado - I missed them for 12 days - but that would only be partly true.

The whole truth is: I love my family, and I hate running.  So, I skipped.  In fact, I was a total slacker last week, and didn't work out, either.

Then on Saturday, the super pro-trainer extraordinaire and owner of Lifelong Fitness, Griff Neilson, graciously put me on a new custom-designed workout.  I only did part of it on Saturday, and I'm still sore!

So, tonight, I started out very tired (ready to go to sleep), so just did the best I could muster.  I managed to do 2.0 miles in 19:15, which is well on track for a 30 minute 5k, but not my best time yet for 2.0 miles (that was 18:34).

Tonight's songs:
1) Sidewalking - The Jesus and Mary Chain
2) Sowing Seeds - The Jesus and Mary Chain
3) The Hardest Walk - The Jesus and Mary Chain
4) Born in Time - Eric Clapton (from Pilgrim)
5) River of Tears (most of it) - Eric Clapton (from Pilgrim)

My friend the Angry Klingon was back again tonight...and I had a hard time catching my breath, so I rode the speed all over the place.

I was so glad to be done.  Got that stupid "runner's high" again - everything was all bright and sharp on my way home, head swimming and pounding - miserable.  Who can like that?

Not me.  I truly HATE running.

(I will run again on Wednesday.)

Run #18: The Best I Can

Me tired.

Tonight, I went in with no expectations; no particular goal.  Arriving pretty late, I just got on that treadmill and gave it what I had.

I ended up running to the 2/3 point of a 5k (2.03 miles).  I did it as fast as I could stand, finishing in 19:17, which puts me on pace to have finished the 5k in under 30 minutes (as if I could keep that up for another 10 minutes!).

It took me longer than usual to catch my breath when it was all done; probably something to do with having run extra fast at the end.

I only got through four songs:

1) A Murder of One - Counting Crows
2) Room at the Top - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
3) Wide Awake - The Dirty Guv'nahs
4) Elevation - U2

Now, off to bed!

Run #17: Something a Little Different

 Ah, I love Sunday.  That's tomorrow.  Yay.

So, last night I was up too late to go running; figured what's the diff if I just do it in the morning?  I was going to be at the gym anyway...

So, this morning I went to the gym and spent an hour and forty minutes cleaning it (wiping down surfaces, mopping, vacuuming, taking out trash, etc.) - so I was already tired when I got on the treadmill.

So . . . I just decided to do my best.  I played around a bunch with the speed - eventually quit at exactly half of a 5k (1.55 miles) and 15:09 on the clock.  If you double it, that's just about right for my 5k goal.  Kind of like running a half-marathon, only . . . not at all like running a half marathon.  Just half of what I usually do, and it still made me sweat hard.

Then, as it was a workout day, I went over to the other side of the room to lift some weights.  Well, I was exhausted by this time, so after my first set, I called it quits.

Then I went home and worked all day on house chores and projects.  On my feet all day!

So, I feel I got plenty of exercise today, despite the short run.

My weight is down to 216 lbs today - that's good!  Only 26 more to get to my original goal, or 46 more to get to a possible revised goal I am considering.

Tomorrow is my day of rest.  Monday, I will run once again, although I hate it.

Run #16: SOOOOOOO Close!

"Missed it by THAT much..."

3.1 miles in . . . 30:01.

I could almost TASTE victory!  It just doesn't get any closer than that.  (Thankfully, I was only racing against myself, so I still came in first place.)


The goal tonight was to run for 30 minutes, doing the best I could to achieve distance.
The strategy was to run very fast for 9 minutes, walk very briskly for 1 minute.  Rinse and repeat three times.  (We'll call this the Lance method!)  ;)  I expected to run about 2.4 miles or so.

So, I ran the first 9 minutes at 6.5 mph, then dropped to 4.5 for a minute, then back up to 6.5, but gave out after 6 more minutes of that, and returned to the brisk walk, then after that just rode the speedometer all over the place, doing the best I could.  As I neared 30 minutes, it was starting to look like I was going to make it to 3.1 miles and actually make my ultimate goal with no problem . . . but then the math kept changing, and it looked like I wouldn't make it . . . so I sped up, and sped up, and sped up AND SPED UP until at the very end I was going 7.7 ridiculous miles per hour.

And I missed it by ONE SECOND.  Arrrggghhh!!

During the minutes I was running at 6.5 mph, I felt like the Six Million Dollar Man.  Not the part where he can run really fast - the part right after his space capsule hits the ground.  (I used to love the intro to that show . . . "she's breaking up, she's breaking up!" - great stuff.  Yes, I watched it when it originally aired.  I am SO old.)

At the crazy sprint at the end, I felt like I would die.  Now my right leg hurts again.

Bottom line: the modified Lance method seems to sort of work.  Basically, just push it as much as you can, try to ignore the clock, slow down when you need to, and then push it hard some more.  I thought consistency was the key; apparently the chaos of "interval training" is enough to fool my brain into doing better than expected.

But running is SO stupid.  On Friday, I am just going to take it easy and not try to set any records.  I earned it tonight ("one second short" or not).

The Music:

1) Wide Awake - The Dirty Guv'nahs (great song I just discovered)
2) Miracle - Jon Bon Jovi (from Young Guns)
3) Canto Alla Vita - Josh Groban (feat. the Corrs)
4) This is for Life - Luka Bloom (this was a poor choice, at least for this part of the run - I had expected the solemn catharsis of Bloom's condemned man to be inspirational, instead, it did not help at all)
5) Colonnade Gardens - Kerry Livgren (there's something about the guitar part of this song - so powerful)
6) I'm Gonna Miss You - Milli Vanilli (old school, man)
7) The Ghost in You - The Psychedelic Furs (80's!)

How do I feel?
Poopy as ever, sore leg, head pounding, exhausted. Glad it's done.  Pretty amazed at my stats.

I still hate running, I will still quit after Turkey Day, and I will still run again on Friday.  Very reluctantly.

Run #15: It's Not You, It's Me

A little chocolate sounds good...and they do say it fills an emotional void.

I'm trying to find the right way to approach this - the best way to tell "running" that this really isn't working out - that we're going to have to break it off.  It's no good for me; we're just not *right* for each other.  Incompatible.  Irreconcilable differences.  A bad match.

No matter what her intentions, all she seems to do is hurt me.  I keep giving her *one* more chance, and things always look great for those first five, maybe even six minutes.  But then she returns to her old ways - stabbing me in the back, crushing me, breaking my heart.  Every.  Stinking.  Time.

If only the whole time could be like that "honeymoon" of a first half mile, before the pain sets in.  But no.  By half way through, I am ready to hit STOP.  But I don't.  Then I just spend the rest of the time fighting my own psyche.  That can't be healthy.

Tonight, I managed to get to the gym by about 8:45pm.  Didn't make any difference (except I get to go to bed at a decent hour tonight, for a change).

The running music:
1) What's This Life For - Creed
2) My Sacrifice - Creed
3) Heavy - Collective Soul
4) No More, No Less - Collective Soul
5) Needs - Collective Soul
6) Yellow - Cold Play (well, I didn't QUITE make it to this song)

My goal was to run at 6.2 mph for 22 minutes.  I made it to 21:31 and 2.20 miles.  Tried running at 6.2 mph the whole way, but at 17:30 I just couldn't take it any more.  I figured, "what am I trying to prove, and to whom?"  I slowed down for a bit, then sped back up, and was all over the place for the rest of the time, trying to make it time out correctly so I'd at least tie the last run's stats.  Well, I was close: missed it by ten seconds.  Good enough.

Now I'm trying to figure out what to do on Wednesday, because tonight sucked.  At one mile, my lower back was already hurting.  Maybe I'll try running slower; but that will also mean running *longer* - which does not sound good.

But the speed tonight became onerous!  I looked across the room at the mirror, and I did not *look* like I was running all that fast, but I *felt* like I was Lucy trying to keep up with the chocolates on the conveyor belt.  Only it wasn't for just a few moments of a silly scene, it was for 22 minutes of agony, which is practically the length of the whole I Love Lucy episode (commercials removed).  Nuts, I say.

I only have 7.5 weeks until the Thanksgiving 5k.  I really, REALLY do not think I am ever going to reach my goal of 3.1 miles in 30:00 minutes.  And I do *not* look forward to trying.  Thankfully, I only run every two days, which is *just* enough time to partially forget the misery, and actually step up on that treadmill with the futile hope that it will be somehow better next time.

Foolish, I know.  Come Turkey Day, I am leaving running in the dust and finding me a new love.  Cuz this ain't love - it's insanity.

Run #14: Feeling My Age

Like a good cheese, I hope to get better with age.  Also, I kinda stink right now.

Started my run tonight at 12:08 am.  (I really meant to get out earlier, but had actual day-job work I had to do this evening.  Also got distracted by Star Trek: The Next Generation episode "The Inner Light."  Best. Episode. Ever.)

The plan was to run at 6.2 mph for 21 minutes (one minute longer than last time).  CRAZY MAN that I am, I went ahead and ran for 21:21 (because I liked the song that was playing).  This took me 2.20 miles.  I still can't imagine keeping up that pace for another 0.9 miles.  It's so hard!

I know, I know, all you runners out there are thinking: "Let me call him a WAM-bulance!"  But seriously, running hurts!

I don't like it.  No wait, I mean, I hate it.  (That was a weird slip.)

Tonight's song list:

1) Queen: I Want to Break Free
2) Queen: Radio Gaga
3) Queensryche: Hand On Heart
4) The Psychedelic Furs: The Ghost in You
5) The Psychedelic Furs: Heartbreak Beat (this is the song that was playing as I hit the 21 minute mark)

I have to admit I felt pretty good on the way home.  Of course, then I had to actually climb out of the car, and that's when I felt like a really old man.  I guess I am pretty old.  After all, I remember listening to those songs back when they came out.  When I was young.  And fit.

I will run again on Monday night (hopefully a lot earlier in the evening).

But I still hate running.

Run #13: I Just Don't Believe It

 I feel his pain. I once had a bad haircut, too.

Let me start with a confession: it's been a bad week.

I canceled Monday's run - I don't remember why now, but I know I had a really good reason.  I think I was just too tired.  Of course, last night I did lift weights.  Tonight, I didn't even get out of the house until after 11:00pm, so I decided to abbreviate the run.

But, I still set a pretty ambitious goal: maintain 6.2 mph for a full 20 minutes.  And I did it.

Why 6.2?  Because that's the rate I will need to maintain in order to meet my goal of doing the 5k in 30 minutes.

Well, after tonight's run, I simply cannot IMAGINE maintaining that pace for an additional ten minutes!  It was so, so unpleasant.

And since I set the treadmill to stop at 20 minutes, what was my surprise when instead of mercifully stopping at 20 minutes, it went into "cool down" mode, forcing me into a brisk 4.5 mph walk that slowed by 0.5 mph per minute for 5 minutes.

So, all told, I was on that treadmill for 25 minutes and went 2.36 miles (401 cal burned).

At one mile in, I started to get a pain under my ribs on the right side - you know, the Angry Klingon attempting to perform a little amateur surgery.  Then a little while later, his buddy, Angry Klingon II jumps up on my shoulder and starts digging in.

And I'll tell you what - this would probably be a tad easier if I wasn't carrying around so much weight - but I've been running and lifting for A MONTH now, and have not lost a single pound.  Sure, my waist is a little smaller, and my shoulders a little broader, but I still have a Santa Gut and weigh the same old 220.

So, what don't I believe?  All these friends of mine who tell me that after a while I will really start to like running and become "addicted."  Yeah, uh huh.  And maybe I'll become addicted to sticking toothpicks in my pupils repeatedly.

Speaking of eyes, I really need to get me one of those fancy John McEnroe headband things, because despite my eyebrows getting thicker as I age, they (hopefully!) will never be bushy enough to prevent all that sweat from dripping off my forehead into my eyes.  (If they were, they'd look like some kind of crazy hair dam.)  So, it's time to bring back a little taste of the 70s!  (I use the term "taste" loosely.)

Anyway, I have a new strategy for this whole thing.  Instead of running 3.1 miles and trying to reduce my time to 30 minutes from 31:55 by increasing my speed, I am going to try to run 6.2 mph every time and increase my running time by one or two minutes each week, until I am at 30 minutes (and hence, 3.1 miles).

Gotta try some new way of tricking myself into accomplishing this stupid goal.

Because, as you know, I hate running.

Tonight's Run: "Just Dance"

We got a new Wii game tonight, so I danced energetically for three hours with my wife and son instead of running.  I do not feel the least bit guilty.

Goodnight! :)

Run #12: This really CANNOT be good for you...

I've got my own "spare tire" to burn; only mine was established in 2002.

I mean, seriously?

How can something so reprehensible possibly be beneficial?

I hurt SO much right now.

I beat my record again, too.  Ran the full 5k (3.1 miles) and did it in 31:55.  Two nights ago I did it in 32:48, so that's 53 seconds better.  I intended to do it in 32:00 minutes or less, and met that goal.

I know it seems like a set up - the fact that I keep beating my record - but I assure you I am trying my VERY best every time.  Each time I run, I foolishly insist on bettering my previous run.  STOOPID.

I have to stop doing that before I kill myself.  I have to just aim for the 32 minute range for the next couple of weeks, THEN try to speed up and approach my ultimate goal of 30:00. 

My right leg hurts.

Tonight's running set list?

1. Black - Pearl Jam
2. Epic - Faith No More
3. I Want it All - Queen
4. Jet City Woman - Queensryche
5. Runaway Trains - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
6. She Sells Sanctuary - The Cult
7. Gone Pecan - Sonny Landreth

Queen gave me a nice boost when I needed it, and the songs, overall, did help keep my mind (mostly) off the fact that I despise, loathe, detest, abhor and HATE running.

One of my coworkers, the nice young lady who runs marathons, mentioned today that you don't even start to warm up and burn fat until after the first thirty minutes of running.  (As far as encouragement goes, that's like telling me that I won't even start to see any weight loss until after the first 30 months without a donut.  Really?  Just shoot me now.)  Now, that 30-minute claim may be true when you're 5'2" and 90lbs, but when you're packin' around 220lbs, you better believe SOMETHING'S burning after the first TWO minutes of that torture.  How else can you explain all that pain? 

Of course, with all my extra fat, it's hard to tell that any of it is actually burning.  It's like those piles of tires that catch fire and burn for months and months without seeming to put a dent in the big rubber mountain. 

Although I was able to catch my breath every couple of minutes tonight, my WHOLE body hurt for so much of the run.  Miserable.

I cannot wait until Thanksgiving afternoon, when I will officially be DONE with running.

HATE it.  I will run again on Friday night.

Run #11: Urine Trouble, Now!

"Ramming Speed!"  (Of course, this is right before he crippled the Defiant.  Makes sense.)

Word to the wise: if you are attempting to run a 5k, and you have an inkling for a tinkling, don't embark before you visit the loo.  There's nothing like the urgency of a full bladder to help you pick up the pace, but there are probably healthier (and less disturbing) motivators.  This public service announcement brought to you by Mr. Painful Nether Regions.

That said, I am pleased to announce that I completed another 5k tonight, and did it in record time - 32:48 - slicing 1:16 off Friday night's time.

Tonight, about 1.0 or 1.5 miles in, I hit a groove.  Well, I'd loosely define it as a groove, if you consider a groove to be the general feeling of "What the heck, I don't really care if I die."

I started out at 5.3 mph, and quickly increased speed until half way through when I reached 5.6 mph.  Then, kamikaze style, I started speeding up even more, as the angry 250-lb Klingon riding on my shoulders shouted "RAMMING SPEED!" and jabbed his angry blade into my back - so I went up to the nutso speed of 6.2 mph.

Why is the Klingon so angry?  Why, why WHY?  Is it because he, too, needed to go potty?

So, I was cruising along, and at 2.5 miles, I thought I was going to die.  This is not hyperbole, as in, "Gee, I feel like I'm gonna die;" this was me having a vision of myself actually having a heart attack and dying alone on the floor of the empty gym with no one to call 911.

An empty gym is great until you realize it means dying alone.

So, I said a prayer, praying that I would not in fact die.  The answer to my prayer was: "slow down."  (Thanks, Father!)  So, I reduced speed to 5.3 again, bloated bladder be danged.  Then toward the end, I started to pick up again, until, for those final 0.20 miles, I was going at extreme ramming speed - 6.3 mph - in a last ditch attempt to show a good finish time.

Those last 0.07 miles seemed to tick away SO slowly, even though they SHOULD have been flying by, given my gazelle-like rate.

When I finished, I had a serious head rush and wanted to collapse.  And I didn't even have to go to the bathroom anymore!  All the way home, everything was sharp and bright.  If this is the "runner's high," I don't like it.  I prefer my dull, non-dizzy, non-head-pounding self, thank you very much.

I don't want to do that again.  It hurt.  I can barely walk now.  I need to slow down.  I've got WEEKS to get my time down to 30:00.  Time to stop murdering myself.

I completely HATE running.

Run #10: Going the Distance

 My body doesn't care what I think.

Running is actually pretty cool!  Just kidding.

It still sucks.  I've been running for three weeks now, and it just stinks.

But I do have some good news: I ran the full 5k tonight - all 3.1 miles!  That's 0.5 miles more than Wednesday night.  And I didn't slow down.  In fact, I started at 5.1 mph, then gradually worked my way up to 5.6 mph by halfway through, and then maintained 5.6 all the rest of the way.

Time?  34:04.  (555 cal burned.) That's more than two minutes better than my time last Thanksgiving Day (when I ran the 5k cold turkey).  Now I just have to shave off 4:04 over the next 9 weeks.

I am actually really pleased with myself.  And, amazingly, at no point during tonight's run did I think I was going to die.  It was hard, yes, but not to the point where I wanted to slash my wrists or gouge my eyeballs out and extract my brain.

From now on, I will run 3.1 miles each time, and keep trying to reduce my time to 30:00 minutes - a little bit at a time.  I think I can . . . I think I can . . . I think I can . . .

I think I . . . still hate running.

Run #9: More Pain

 In case you didn't know, this is a bat'leth.  Ironically, it resembles the sweat pattern on my belly.

New best: ran 2.6 miles @5.6 mph = 27:50 run time (464 cal burned).

Awful, just awful.  Running is SO stupid.  UGH!

If there were some other way to train for a 5k, I'd be on it in a heartbeat.  Like sleeping, or perhaps slouching.

My right leg is killing me.

A well-intentioned commenter yesterday suggested that after 15 minutes of running you hit a "groove."  Hmm.  For me, I hit a groove at about 2 minutes, and again at about 13 minutes, then once more at 23 minutes.   Each "groove" lasts from 20 to 25 seconds.

Those grooves barely qualify as scratches on the hood of that Ferrari I posted a few days back.

My groove is more like a GRAVE.  After 20 minutes, that angry Klingon returned, this time the dishonorable p'tahk struck from behind, burying his bat'leth in my left shoulder blade with extreme prejudice, attempting to send me into that grave.

After my 5k, I am DEFINITELY switching to something like the stationary bike or something.

Also tonight, I discovered that as long as the music is good, it doesn't need to be Dragonforce or other fast stuff.  As long as it serves to take your mind off the misery for a while.

I'm now 0.5 miles from my distance goal.  As for my time goal of 30 minutes, that's going to be nuts.  But I suppose it is POSSIBLE, given I've only been running for 2.5 weeks and have another 9.5 weeks of training to go...

But I totally HATE running.  HATE it.

Run #8: Torture

 No, this is not me (I wear more clothes).  But this is how I feel.

I cannot express, in a mere blog post of a couple hundred words, how much I absolutely hated that last run.

It was so truly horrible.

I ran 2.0 miles in 19:22, maintaining 6.2 mph the whole way.  I chose that speed because that's the rate at which I will need to run the 5k on Thanksgiving morning if I want to complete it in under 30 minutes, which is my goal.

WAS my goal.

There is NO WAY I will be able to do that.  I must have been crazy.

Tonight, halfway through, I just wanted to stop running and let myself slide back and crash down onto the treadmill on my face and let the thing abrade my cheek endlessly.  That would've been preferable.  At 1.25 miles, I just wanted to cry.  At 1.4 miles, I started to hallucinate; the little leg pad on the weight bench ahead of me started to look like a face - an old bald bearded guy with a long, long face.  Very weird.

At 1.7 miles EVERY part of me HURT.  Not just lungs, back, shoulders and neck, but my LEGS were DYING!  This was SO miserable.

I really don't even know how I ever did that 5k last year - with no practice.  I don't know how I'm going to do it this year.  Certainly not in under 30 minutes.  There's just no way I can keep up that pace for that long.

A week ago Sunday, a friend told me she's been running for a long time, and she still hates it.  She's smart.  (And not terribly encouraging.)

Why have I chosen this insane path for myself?
Oh.  My.  GOSH!  I hate running!!

Run #7: Speed

Built for speed, baby.  Just like me.  (As long as it's only one mile.)

After running 2.5 miles last time - and nearly DYING! - I thought I'd try some new way to nearly die - going for speed.

Today I beat my record for a two-mile run. I did 2.0 miles in 18:31.  I started out at the ridiculously breakneck speed of 7.0 mph.  I was only able to keep that up for the first 1.0 miles (which I ran in 8:34), then had to slow down for a while (all the way to 4.0 mph, for 0.15 miles), then gradually worked my speed back up to 6.5 toward the end, breaking into a 7.0 pace for the last 0.10 miles (although I kicked it up to 7.2 for the final few seconds, trying to come in under 18:30 - didn't work).

My head hurts.  I am still kinda chunky.  How can I sweat three and a half gallons and still weigh the same as before?  (I guess it could be the weightlifting I'm doing on non-running days, miraculously turning my fat into muscle, which I hear is heavier).  But, does that mean this jiggly belly thing is muscle?

Didn't think so.

I HATE running.

Run #6: Ouch

Get a load of this little guy.  He wants to enter my stomach.  (He'll have to wait.)

 
2.5 miles @ 5.5 mph = 27:18 (446 cal burned)

I believe this is the longest I have ever run at that sustained pace - in my LIFE.

Yes, I set the absolutely INSANE goal of 2.5 miles for myself tonight.  Annoyingly, I just couldn't allow myself to fall short, so I went ahead and did it, much to my body's chagrin.

Now, I know you experienced runners are thinking, "Ha ha, 2.5 miles!  I remember when I was taking those first baby steps, now I'm just barely starting to get warmed up at 2.5 miles!"

Well, bully for you.  Go read one of those blogs that make me sick.  See right hand column ->

As for me, my right leg hurts pretty bad.  I hate running.

Half way through, I wanted to give up.  The music helped, but not much.  I started thinking, "Next time I'll just go for a shorter distance. ...  Next time? ...  Huh, more like never again! ... When I get home, I'm going to eat that cinnamon roll I denied myself earlier.  But then, when I get home, I probably won't want it anymore. ... Stupid mind games. ... You can't fool yourself!  Stop lying to yourself - this SUCKS!"

At 2.0 miles, I wanted to cry.  Seriously.  "This is crazy!"

Oddly, the last 0.15 miles was not so bad - I think at that point I was having an out-of-body experience to escape the pain.  When I was done, I just wanted to go home and cry.  (No, I didn't actually cry.)

All this stupid run did for me was make me hungry.  All the way home I saw ads and billboards that made me want to eat.  When I got home, I had a big glass of water.  And I no longer wanted that cinnamon roll!  Arrgh.  I'm having it for breakfast, dang it!

I so, so, SO hate running.

Run #5: The Power of Music

Remember this guy?  That was some powerful music.

I have discovered that a good playlist can go a long way - at least 2.2 miles! 

Yep, I met my goal for tonight, increasing my distance from 2.0 to 2.2 miles.  It took 24 minutes (I ran at 5.5 mph) and I burned 393 calories, according to Dr. Treadmill.  At the end, my heart rate was 176, which seems totally wrong.  Heart rates shouldn't go up that high, IMHO.

As for the music, I decided to create a RUNNING playlist on the iPod.  I carefully selected some tunes that I thought would set a good pace, get the blood flowing and the fists pumping.  I have never been a Rob Zombie fan, but I discovered that Scum of the Earth is the ideal tune for running at 5.5 mph.  Other selections included Black Sabbath, The Cult, and EMF.

The EMF album (Schubert Dip) was released in May 1991, the month before I turned 20.  I have a picture (well, I have no idea where the photograph is now, but I have a mental picture of that picture) of myself, leaning against my old 1980 Dodge Challenger, that was taken right around that time - and man was I in incredible shape.  Slim, muscled, toned, tanned - and yes, 20 years old. 

A pretty good vision to have in my head as I run - better than that image across the room in those floor-to-ceiling mirrors.

Anyway, the music helped a lot tonight.  Wednesday, I look forward to hearing more of the playlist (which includes Guns n' Roses, Faith No More, Metallica, Cinderella, Def Leppard, Pearl Jam, Primus and Queensryche).  Really digging back into my long-hair days . . .

I have a feeling the music thing will only carry me so far, though.  I think that even better than music, would be to do the run while completely unconscious.

Until I figure out a way to do that...

I really HATE running.

Run #4

Ahhh.  That feels a little better, after a meal fit for three kings.

I'm no doctor, nor am I a Sports Medicine Expert (that would just be silly, since my best sport is Slouching) - but I'm pretty certain it's inadvisable to run after a huge Mexican lunch and a very huge Italian dinner (hey, they practically FORCED that entire 10" pizza, baseball bat sized breadstick and chocolate molten lava dessert down my throat).

But despite the obvious discomfort (the same kind of discomfort you would feel if a very perturbed Klingon shoved a d'k tagh under your ribs and wriggled it around to express how much you have dishonored him) - I still managed to meet the ridiculously ambitious goal I had set for myself: 2.0 miles in 20:00 minutes.

That means I maintained 6.0 mph for a third of an hour!  Amazing!  I mean, can a cheetah even do that?  I know, huh?

By half way there (10 minutes), I was really struggling.  I tried to tell myself, "You're half way there!" - but that just depressed me.  So, I tried to think of times when 10 minutes seems like nothing.  Didn't really help.  So, I decided to put it in the perspective of the fact that I am doing this so that I can live another 40 years or so - and compared to that, 10 minutes is nothing.

By the time I got around to that somewhat unconvincing bit of philosophical trickery, I was at 1.33 miles, with .67 miles to go.  I am starting to notice a pattern: from 1.33 miles to 1.5 miles, I seem to hit my stride and for that brief window, I don't feel like death is extremely imminent - only that it is just around the corner.

Which it very nearly is, because by the time I am at 1.65 miles, I am once again asking, "Why why why why why why WHY????"  And that angry Klingon has returned with a vengeance, stuck me in an airlock and opened the outside door to space.

This run was the first one where, instead of my back, neck and shoulders hurting and my legs getting tired, I found that my back, neck and shoulders hurting and my legs getting tired was obscured by the fact that my lungs wanted to report me for abuse.

I'm still trying to decide if that sorta-good feeling I have about 20-30 minutes after the run is because of something good I did to my body, or if it's just because the agony has come to an end at last.  It's like some sort of weird physical Stockholm Syndrome - even though it hurts me, I find myself sympathizing with the treadmill's agenda.

And once again, I've got this stupid goofy sweat-grin across my belly.

I hate running.

My next insanely suicidal goal is to increase my distance by 10% to 2.2 miles, and take it at a little slower pace, like 5.5 mph.  Then I will keep inching up the distance in increments of 0.2 miles until I am at 3.1 miles, then keep shaving off time until I can do 3.1 miles in 30 minutes.  And I want to achieve that by Thanksgiving, so I can run the Turkey Day 5k in under 30 minutes.  I did the run last year in just over 36 minutes, and that was with zero training (cold turkey), running for the first time since I was a kid.

I used to think running was only worthwhile if there was something life-threatening chasing you.  Well, I've realized that DEATH is life-threatening, and it's chasing each of us all the time.  I want to stick around for a while, for my wife and son.  So I will run.

But . . . I really hate running.

Those OTHER people

Got any friends who look like this? Didn't think so.

I know people who like running.  Some of them are even good friends.  They tell me that one day, if I keep doing this to myself, I'll start to "like" it.  Huh.

I don't understand them.

They do things like "Ragnar" and "Marathon" and "Iron Man" and other very macho-sounding words.  Does not sound the least bit appealing to me.

It's all so unnatural.  If humans were meant to RUN, our bodies would look more like cheetahs or greyhounds or ostriches.  Or those weird little lizard-things that skim across water like Dash from The Incredibles.

(Hey, did someone say Cheetos?  Mmmm.)

Anyway, THIS body was made for lying down, sitting, kneeling, and walking (within reason).  And for white-boy dancing.  But especially for slouching - which I am doing right now.  I'm very good at it.  I can do it for hours.  Perhaps I'll start a new macho contest called Slouch-nar, where teams of dedicated slouchers push the boundaries of...something...and then put little Slouch-nar stickers on the back windows of their cars to prove how cool they are. 

I hate running.

I will run again tomorrow night.

But I hate running.

Run #3

First run, last week, I did 2.0 miles in 25 minutes.

Second run, last week, I did 2.0 miles in 24 minutes.

Third run, tonight, I shaved another 95 seconds off my time.

But I'll be the first to tell you: I don't like it.  In fact...

From the moment I step on the treadmill, until about one and a half seconds before I hit the all-merciful STOP button, with every fiber of my soul, I HATE running. (Yes, my soul is made up of fibers. Lots of tiny little hateful fibers. Fibers that hate running. A lot.)

Throughout the torturous run - aside from encouraging things like "you're already 48% of the way there!" - my mind says things like "Just stop." And, "Why? Why are you doing this?" And, "This is so stupid. I am NEVER doing this again."

Yet . . .

On my way home, as my heart rate is normalizing, and my limbs are returning from their gelatinous state, and my head is starting to pound, and my little soul-fibers are reverting to their sweet loving little selves, I hear my mind whispering things like, "Next time, I'll shave even more time off..." and other bizarre, masochistic things.

I do like the way I can take a really deep-lung breath about 15-20 minutes after the run. And I like that I burned some of the calories I consumed this evening. (85% of the way through a pint of Ben & Jerry's "Half Baked" I noticed that a pint is 4 servings; x270cal = 1080cal of my supposed 1800 day - oh, and I went ahead and finished the pint.)

I hate running.

I'll do it again on Friday night. And shave off more time. Then increase the distance. Then shave off more time.

I REALLY hate running.

Oh, and because of my man-boobs and my Santa-belly, my sweat forms a big goofy smiley-face that mocks me.

Did I mention I HATE running?